Jokes
Senator takes a Vote
While walking to his office one day, a U.S. senator is tragically(?) hit by
lightening, and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at
the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do
is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you
can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself
in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse
and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians
who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game
of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who
has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a
good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives
him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where
St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St.
Peter returns.
"Well now, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven so it's time
to choose your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would
never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I
think I would be better off in hell." So, St. Peter escorts him to the
elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed
in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash
falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around
his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and
caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now
there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning......
Today you voted."
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Never, never shoot the messenger,
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*.
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
My, my, how times have changed. Not long ago, when 100 white men chased one black man,
we called it the Ku Klux Klan; today they call it the PGA TOUR.
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
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Going fishin
On Saturday morning I got up early. I put on my long johns. I dressed quietly.
I got my lunch made, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck and down the
driveway I went.
Coming out of the garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour.
There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
Minutes later, I returned to the garage. I came back into the house and turned the TV to the weather channel.
I find it's going to be bad weather all day long, so I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she
sleepily replies, " Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing?"
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Sex Therapist
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such a
elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the
couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong
with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he
wishes them good luck, he charges
them $50 and he says good-bye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist
to watch again. The sex therapist isa bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,
has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after seven or eight weeks of this, the doctor says, "I'm sorry,
but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"
The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married
and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for
$50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"
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ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST
Count every " F" in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE BELOW)
...................... 3?
WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.
The reasoning behind is further down.
The brain cannot process "OF"
Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.
Three is normal, four is quite rare.
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Men for Sale!
A Wal-Mart store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas,
TX, where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. Among
the instructions at the entrance, is a description of how the store operates.
There are only 6 floors. It states that the attributes of the
men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch....
As you open the door to any floor, you may choose any man from
that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to
exit the building. So, a woman goes to the Wal-Mart Husband Store to find
a husband...... On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely
good?looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to
the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs,
love kids, are drop-dead good looking, and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the
fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids,
are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a
strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the
sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men
on?this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are
impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping Wal-Mart's Husband Store.
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New Bra
Dr. Calvin Rickson, a Professor of Sports Medicine at Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts
from jiggling and bouncing, and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.
At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and
kicked the shit out of him.
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